Interview: Steve Arterburn

I am thrilled to have author Steve Arterburn as a guest on my blog. I've read a couple of his books including Every Man's Battle and Every Heart Restored. His ministry and his advice is not just for men. Honestly, what I've learned from him is wisdom that can benefit everyone. 

1.) What is it about pornography or infidelity that appeals so much to a man?

Men often leave home without a real sense of manhood.  It becomes something they must establish on their own or prove on their own.

Their fathers did not bestow it upon them and in fact left them feeling less than the man he was. Or the father was not present and there was no male to male connection to find manhood. So to prove it or find it men turn to the female or female image to prove they are a man.  But in fact the act of using pornography makes them less of one. First of all they choose pornography because they can have a sexual experience without being judged, compared or evaluated.  And free of any intimacy or care for another. But the more they use pornography the less competent they are sexually with a real woman. Often to achieve orgasm they must be watching, looking at or imagining pornographic images. This breaks the potential for deep intimacy developing in the marriage.  Ongoing use of pornography is betrayal of the wife and when she discovers it, she takes on the role of the watchdog mother, looking out for her little boy doing bad things. This dynamic puts him right back in the less than a man position.

Affairs occur due to proximity and entitlement. When a man feels entitled to more than what he has at home due to his strong sex drive or the lack of one from his wife, all it takes is the opportunity to present itself.  If he has not developed a well structured value system with appropriate boundaries and no men to be accountable to, it is likely that he will fall into the trap.

Both of these problems are prevented by men in the presence of men. Men become men in the company of men so a man must develop male relationships, bond with men, meet in male small groups, attend male Bible studies, have a male accountability partner and most of all have real live male friendships that grow and deepen.  Otherwise he remains vulnerable to both temptations.

2.) What leads from looking at porn to pursuing an adulterous relationship?

Both are acts of betrayal.  In the case of sexual addiction, for the addict to be satisfied, the intensity and risk must increase. So there is often a journey up the chain to more and more deviant types of pornography and then bridging over to a real live person in the form of visiting massage parlors or even prostitutes.  And affair seems much less shameful than devolving into the sex trade so he becomes open to the affair.

Another root to both of these problems is the objectification of women.  If he sees his wife as an object there for his gratification her feelings matter less and less.  She ceases to exist as an equal partner and is then used and abused through betrayal, verbal manipulation and abandonment.

3.) What lies must a man believe to justify such behavior?

I’m not really hurting anyone.

This provides an outlet so I can stay in the marriage and the kids not live in a divorced family.

Her unwillingness to do the things I want to do when I want to do them deprives me and allows me to seek gratification elsewhere.

At least I am not as bad as some other guys.

This is what it means to be a man and all men do this in some way or another.

My sex drive is beyond what most men experience and I have to do something just to stay sane.

4.) How can a wife be so ignorant to what is actually going on?

The use of pornography is one of the easiest activities to hide.  If he erases his history and she does not find out why, then he is free to use the internet whenever she is away.  With smart phones there are plenty of free pornographic images available at anytime and she would have no way of knowing he was viewing them. If she has never been emotionally intimate because they were sexually intimate early in the relationship she may not notice that he does not fully connect with her in deeper and deeper intimate ways.  She may take his avoidance as normal.  She can also be ignorant by not reading what is available online and in books about the topic. Every woman, married and single needs to look into this because it is the most common problem of men. It far out paces alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse or anything else.

5.) How do you see this playing into the rampant rise of divorce rates in our culture?

I think it is a huge factor in increasing divorce rates.   When women find out they have been betrayed for years they don't know there are resources that can assist in healing and strengthening the marriage so they leave.  A new trend that is also adding to divorce rates are the women using pornography and developing relationships online from their past or connection sites.

6.) How should a wife confront her husband if she suspects a sex addiction?

First she should learn all she can about the problem. There is plenty of educational material at newlife.com. Secondly she should find a treatment source like Every Man's Battle and talk to the people there about what she has noticed and what are the best options for his treatment.  Then she should make the reservation for him to get the help before confronting him.  When she confronts him she should have objective information rather than judgements or shaming statements. She should state what she has seen, tell him she is there for him if he will get help, tell him about the help she has found and relate to him that the very least he can do if he cares anything about her or the relationship is to go and get the help that is needed.  When he is willing, miracles start to happen.

7.) What can a woman do to help her husband keep from going there in the first place?

Of course she can't keep him from going there but she can lessen the chances.  That starts either right now or hopefully before marriage.  The two should be talking about what being faithful means. If they would not do something in front of the other it is unfaithful. Unfaithful is not just having physical sex with another.  She should ask about his use of pornography.  If he is still using she should ask him to get help before proceeding with the marriage or dating.  They should have permission to check on any area of the other's privacy.  Both should know each other's passwords. Both need to be free to ask the other anything and expect an honest answer.  They should also agree up front that they will both seek help if anything emerges during the course of their marriage.

8.) When it's too late, and he's left home, how can an abandoned wife keep from blaming herself?

If you read about sexual addiction you realize that no matter who the addict would have been married to, the addiction left untreated would surface.  if you took action and made a bold move when you found out something was not right, that is all you are responsible for.  More sex or different sex from you would not have prevented the problem from growing.  Yes you were in the relationship and he did this to you, but he did not do this at you.  At least 99% of the time what happened was not an attempt to hurt the other partner.

9.) And what should the woman say to her ex-husband when he blames her? Example: "With the kind of wife you've been, you're lucky I didn't have more affairs."

Nothing.  It is silly to argue with a fool. She should knowingly smile and walk away, refusing to be talked to in the manner.  In that case the very, very least they can do is get into some couples counseling to work on their connection and then the therapist can deal with his unfaithfulness and blaming statements.

10.) Can a woman fight for her marriage to an unhealthy extent?

She can allow or enable the marriage to be sick and thus put her stamp of approval on his behavior.  She must not enable evil in her home. She must make peace, not keep the peace.  And sometimes you have to disturb the peace to make peace.  Just keeping the peace is just keeping everyone in a very sick place.

11.) What truths must a woman believe to rebuild her trust in men?

One man does not represent all men.

There are some wonderful men who would make wonderful husbands and fathers.  They just don't look like the men in magazines and they often don't make a lot of money or have important jobs. But there are great Godly men out there.  You need to go and live an active life and show up in places other than singles groups and bars.  On the way to living an exciting and interesting life, not waiting for the perfect him to come along, you just might run into him.

12.) Anything else you would like to add that might help women move on after infidelity and/or divorce?

Fully grieve your loss before moving on. Don't rush into dating. Don't rush into healing. It takes time.  Healing Is A Choice is my book about my healing after i was betrayed and divorced. I hope it will help you also.

Thank you so much, Steve. I will definitely be checking out your book Healing is a Choice.

Next Wednesday I will be posting my interview with Patti Snodgrass, author of Surviving Your Worst Nightmare. Her book doesn't only cover affairs but the wounds from childhood (such as sexual abuse) that can cause them. I spent four hours with her at a coffee shop yesterday and am so thankful for her profound insights.